What does “success” in couples therapy actually look like? Couples arrive to therapy with vastly different life circumstances, cultures, upbringings, experiences, and challenges. What brought them in may look different, but what they ultimately seek is often much more similar.
The most common goals that couples have when we begin our work is to improve communication, to increase intimacy, and to heal from relational injuries (e.g. betrayal of trust, emotional abandonment).
The common thread between these goals is couples (and all humans, for that matter) seek fulfilling and secure connection. In contrast, feeling disconnected can be painful, scary, and lonely.
In this article in Bustle, I share two ways that couples can tell they are securely, healthily attached.
You Both Lean In During Tough Times
While some couples shut down during tough times, you and your partner might notice you actually feel closer whenever life gets rocky.
“For truly connected couples, they have learned that pain will not divide them,” couples specialist Melody Li, LMFT, tells Bustle. “In fact, pain can be a source of valuable information that can deepen and strengthen the relationship. So connected partners may find themselves taking interest and leaning into their partner’s pain, with compassion, rather than leaning out, ignoring, or minimizing.”
You Aren’t Afraid To Have Tough Conversations
“One signifier of safety and belonging is that partners are willing to engage in uncomfortable conversations well before problems arise,” Li says. So if you two hash it out — in a healthy way — before problems snowball, go ahead and pat yourselves on the back.
While it may not always be easy, Li says getting to a place where you can start — and stay in — uncomfortable conversations, is the best way to resolve your issues. And it can even make you feel closer as a result.
Other relationship experts and couples therapists chime in with their ideas too.
Head on over to Bustle to read the full article: If You & Your Partner Do These 9 Little Things Unconsciously, You’re Truly Connected
